My Journey to Motherhood: Loss + Love

Hi. My name is Destiny. The only way to start my first post as a contributor for, “Outnumbered Mamas” is to tell my journey to motherhood. I’ll tell you in advance it’s not the fairy-tale version and right away I was shown how difficult motherhood was. How different every journey to motherhood is.

I always knew I wanted to be a wife. Ha! I’m sure you thought I was going to say mom. Nope. As a matter of fact, I was very very unsure on that front. My husband, Christian, and I were married on Cinco De Mayo 2012. We were married for going on 3 years when we started talking about becoming parents. Christian wasn’t sure, and I had no idea. We must have gone back and forth for a good two years. The same old points were discussed over and over. Yet, I always came back to the same thought, “we are so happy and have reached such a good rhythm. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.” At this point in 2015 I was 30 and about to be 31, of course my age was on my mind and I was very mindful that there was a clock ticking. I remember distinctly going up to my husband and saying, “Hey, I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure if I want to be a mom-so I’m going to have to defer to you.” So we did, and that meant taking a leap of faith. Trusting that when I held my baby, whenever that was, that I would suddenly get the mom gene I felt I lacked and be a rock star parent. A few months later….

After one try, were were pregnant.

I was terrified, I had no idea it would happen as quickly as it did. Yet I was so excited. I was surprised by this excitement. What happened to all that uncertainty?! We told our families on Christmas and it could not have been more magical. Around 7 weeks along, we had some announcement photos taken. They were gorgeous and captured our elation perfectly. As I looked at them I thought, “oh….there it is.” The desire to be a mom I was worried I wouldn’t have even after being pregnant. It showed up right away. We were living in a little dream. We posted our announcement early and were encouraged by all the excitement surrounding our little babe!

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That very week I began to bleed. I knew right away this wasn’t something to be calm about, and I went to the doctor right away to check on my little one. My hormone levels were checked, and at that time everything seemed ok, so I was sent home with some scary news about what could be coming. My family and friends rallied around us with prayers and hope, but we couldn’t do much but wait.

We returned to the doctor on a Friday just two days later to check on baby and my cervix was nice and closed but we were told the chances of loss were high. I was once again sent home and told that if I was still pregnant on Monday then we would have reason to hope. If, however, I had a miscarriage over the weekend, the pain would be bad and I would know it was happening. I remember that Sunday very well. I stayed on the couch the whole day, going to the bathroom often. I was cramping but not at the level where I would even consider the ER so we were hoping that was a good sign.

Then I miscarried that evening.

Some might say my loss was easier as I was not far along. I was a mere 8 weeks, but my heart doesn’t understand that logic. I was a mom the moment we saw that pregnancy test. All the worry, anxiety and confusion about whether I had what it took to be a good mom, melted away. I fiercely believe I will meet that little babe in heaven one day. I’m forever grateful for the mom heart that grew as a result of that sweet baby. So little one, this first post is for you. Thank you for the mom heart you gave me, and for the short time we were together. I miss you.

And then came Emma, my rainbow. I was terrified my entire pregnancy, for good reason-but 9 months came and went and I was introduced to my very own real life princess. I became a mom everyone could see September 12, 2017. But I was a mom before then, too.

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I know everyone’s journey is different. I know ladies who are moms at heart even though they don’t have any children. I know ladies who’ve adopted after years of loss after loss. I know women who have had their miracle child after being told they would never have children. We all walk a different road to become moms. If you’re reading this and have experienced loss-I see you. You’re not alone. Grieve however you need. Some need the support of others, while others need to do it alone. Just know, there is a whole tribe of women who are right there with you, and I’m ready and willing to pray with you, for you.

Now that you’ve learned a little about my journey to motherhood, I can tell you that when I share a post, you can expect it to be: humorous, usually Disney or Harry Potter related, and real. I love sharing the happy moments of life and motherhood, but I have to share the unhappy ones too. It’s my life-and I believe strongly that when we let others in and allow them to see the pain we’ve experienced it can help soothe the pain of others (and ourselves!). I believe pain can have a purpose, and I believe community is necessary to get by. I’m excited to be contributing here alongside some other amazing moms!

Welcome to my little corner of the world,

Destiny Warren

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Destiny Warren is a wife, mother and a native Houstonian, who packed up her life and moved to Florida to be closer to the magic of Disney and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. She is a fan of antiquing, coffee, classic movies, traveling and obviously anything Disney! You can  learn more about her here!