You got me today.
You got me when I least expected you. Uninvited, as always. Waiting by my bedside for me to wake up. And when I did, you were ready for me.
You were ready to take over all my thoughts and emotions. You were ready to consume my whole day with endless worry, self doubt, and feelings of failure. You were so ready, when I was not. And I let you win.
I let you doubt my abilities as a mother. I let you make me think that I wasn’t doing enough. That I am not enough. You filled me with thoughts that I’m continually letting my husband down. That he doesn’t feel loved, or taken care of. I let you tell me that because I can’t do it all, I’m failing. I let you lead me down a dark hole that consumed my whole day.
No matter how hard I tried to fight you, your weight was too heavy for me to carry. So instead, I let you win. I let that sinking feeling you put deep down into my core, paralyze me. No matter how many deep breaths I took, how many tears I shed, or how many moments I took, I could not shake you. I. LET. YOU. WIN.
But guess what? Time’s up. You got your turn. You had your laughs. You had your victory. But I’m stronger than you’ll ever be. My fight is stronger than yours. You won this time, but I will win more days than you will.
Because my LIGHT is brighter than your darkness. My light is fed by love, snuggles, and kisses. My light is fed by tiny giggles, bedtime stories, and playing pretend. It is fed by movie nights, dance parties, and dress ups. It is fed by feeling a tiny human growing inside of me, reminding me with every kick, roll, and jab that I can do this. That I AM doing this.
So, congratulations on your victory today. You can have your trophy because I get to have so much more. I get to have life, love, and laughter. Things you’ll never know, and never experience.
But before I say my goodbyes, I should actually thank you for today. You reminded me of all the things I do have. You reminded me of what I live for every day. You reminded me why I get up every morning. You reminded me of where my light comes from. And that’s all I needed.
So Anxiety, enjoy your darkness. I’ve got some light to go bask in.
This letter was not only written for me to my own anxieties, this is for you too, Mama.
Everyday we experience the highs and lows of being a Mother. And some of those lows consist of those anxieties we feel – when we question ourselves, when we doubt our abilities as a mother, a wife, a neighbor, a friend. And sometimes those lows can be lower than we were prepared for. Sometimes, they can take over our minds before we even have a second to put on our armor.
And it’s okay, Mama.
Sometimes, anxiety wins. So many of us feel it – even the ones who won’t admit it. Even the ones who on the outside look picture perfect. The ones that make us question ourselves at times. They feel it too. You are never alone.
But as long as we remember those things that bring light into our lives, that darkness cannot survive. Remember that the day you became a Mother, you also became part of a tribe. A tribe so strong, the bond cannot be broken. The Mama Tribe. So take a moment, think about this question – What fuels your light, and how are you going to remind yourself of it on those dark days? You are strong enough to drive out that darkness. You are strong enough to fight those motherhood anxieties. You just have to find the right tools. And hopefully, you’ve just been given one of those tools. YOUR LIGHT.
“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” – Madeline L’Engle
Light will ALWAYS drive out darkness. So find your light, and go bask in it, Mama. You deserve it.