I was exhausted, and it was only 9am. I eagerly awaited 9:30, so I could put you and your brother down for your morning naps. I checked my email on my phone, as I tried to slowly rock you in my other arm, but your wide eyed, baby blues kept staring up at me. “The Wiggles” was on tv, and I sang along to “Rock A Bye Your Bear” for the billionth time in my head, as your brother did the dance moves like he was born knowing them.
Oh good, “the bear is now asleep”. Time to turn off the tv, and get the two of you in bed. I didn’t care if it was 15 minutes earlier than usual, this mama needed a nap too. I put your brother right in his crib, but you of course were fussy and wouldn’t sleep on your own. It doesn’t help that you are a total mamas girl and need to be by me all. of. the. time. It’s okay though, I’d snuggle you in my bed and then put you next to me in the bassinet once you were soundly asleep.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? I was up most of the night before while you slept, trying not to worry about every day life. You know, the messy kitchen with a sink full of last nights dishes. The living room that needed to be vacuumed, and the bills piling up on the kitchen table that your dad and I need to budget together. Money has become tight since we went down to just one income so I could be a stay at home mom.
I put on the Baby Mozart station on Spotify (my go to), and hoped that you would fall asleep quickly. I checked the baby monitor and saw your brother jumping in his crib. I told him to lay down over the intercom and prayed he would soon stop.
It was 9:30, but felt like noon. It had been a long morning filled with tears ( not just yours and your brothers, I cried too). It is hard raising a 6 month old and a 18 month old at the same time. When one of you cries, the other one joins in in perfect harmony. And your brother is at the age where everything is his, so sorry about that rattle you thought you’d get to play with today.
This Motherhood thing is so much harder than I thought that it would be. Other moms on Instagram make it look so easy. They’re always out having fun. Their toddlers are perfectly behaved at the park, and they are carrying their infants in their expensive babywear, while rocking cute shorts in their perfect postpartum bodies. I know it’s their highlights, and I often wonder what their lives look like behind a perfect camera angle and bright filter, because honestly ours is often a hot mess. It’s still hard not to compare though.
Oh good, your brother finally laid down, and your eyes were getting heavy. I thought to myself that I should just go do the dishes. I had just remembered there were 4 loads of laundry that needed to be done too. I mentally made note of the other 10 things I needed to finish as I waited to make sure you were fully asleep before trying to pick you up and put you in your bassinet.
You were out. But I couldn’t pick you up. Not because I was afraid of you waking up as I made the transfer, but because as bad as I wanted to go to sleep myself, I suddenly just wanted to watch you sleep.
You looked so peaceful, snuggled up to me, with your face pointed toward mine. I laid there and forgot about how tired I was because I just wanted to soak in that moment. A year earlier I had moments like this with your brother, and now they were few and far between. You wanted nothing more than your mama, and I could tell you felt complete comfort wrapped in my arm.
It is cliché, but I was reminded that the days sometimes drag on, but the years fly by. As I sat there watching you sleep, I wondered what your life was going to be like; who you were going to be, what you were going to do. You’ve already grown so much in these 6 short months.
And then I thought about my mom 30 years ago, exhausted just hoping that I would just take a nap so she could get some rest. I thought about how she probably held me in her arms and watched me sleep, wondering who I would grow up to be. I pictured her holding my little hands not knowing it would be the last time she would hold me like a baby because poof, life went by and before she knew it I was a toddler… a teenager… an adult… a mother.
So I will soak up these moments because I know they are not always going to be like this. Before we know it, you may be here too… a tired mother watching her baby sleep.
Paige Martinek is a SAHM to her stepsons, son and daughter. She enjoys road trips, long drives along the lake, writing, reading and talking about anything pregnancy related. She is an infertility awareness activist and plans on going back to school to become a L+D nurse. You can read more about her here!